I’m often misunderstood because I allow/put myself in position that gives an opening for misunderstanding.

Note: Please always ask people how and what are areas I need to grow in.

I couldn’t go into sleep because of thoughts I can’t comprehend. I prayed for God to take those thoughts away, and never to strike me again as hard as it did yesterday. Yesterday could have been the first time I felt so much fear in me.

But Lord, I pray in all I do, it is not driven by fear, but by love.

It was pretty fun. The surgery. Pretty interesting. I would say the suction of my eyeball was not as unbearable as described. It was just a BIT uncomfortable, like something pushing/tugging your eyelids, and something was pushing it down. That’s all. LOL.

The creation of my cornea flap and the correction laser was held at different rooms. throughout the whole time, I was giving a lot of numbing solution an lubrications to keep my eyes comfortable. After my cornea flap was done(which by the way took only 30sec per eye), they moved me for correction. that’s the fun one. They pasted things over your eyelids so you wouldn’t blink. But my eyes were so numb I forgot to blink. So I just stared ahead and the laser do their job. Also less than 30 sec per eye- and I’m done. It was all good and my parents and I decided to grab a meal before heading home- wrong move. My eyes became so uncomfortable I could hardly open them up and my nose was running like mad. Once I reached home, I had to force my eyes open to instill the eyedrops. Then I slept. After an hour, instill eyedrops again, then I slept. By the third time, my eyes felt good already. Sill dry and a bit itching, but all good. I can see the perfect vision behind the haze. Lol.

I need to enjoy. Enjoy what I’m doing. In the midst of pursuit I’ve lost the kind of joy, excitement and anticipation that I had. Creative juice halted.

Yesterday, I was at Jeremiah’s choir rehearsal for the soprano singers. When I entered, I was simply amazed by the three voices that sang so freely. I was so inspired. So refreshed. So pumped up. I compared my voice to theirs and one key thing that I’ve noticed is that my voice is locked and theirs is free. I’m pretty sure even the listeners would find it hard to hear me sing since my singing probably sounded really binded. 

I’m not talking about just technically. I’m talking about the spirit behind singing it. I was so focused on getting it right, sounding good, that I lost the kind of joy in singing. I realized the best voices that appealed to me are voices that sang casually and freely without restraint, no matter the quality. Vanessa did mention about it to me during my lesson with her last Wednesday, and part of me knew that I was one of them she was talking about. But after yesterday, I’m so pumped up and I’ve decided, I’m gonna break the binding chains of expectations and just be free in what I do. No stress. Just enjoy. 

Was at Rayson’s watching “One” concert by Planetshakers. I’d say I’ve changed my views on them. I decided that I liked them. Despite what people may say about their loud music, I like them. ‘Cause they really enjoyed what they were doing, and people who love their music enjoyed it too. The joy that overflows is a sincere one unto God. People worships differently, and they had achieved what they were called to do- to reach out to the youths that appeals to their kind of music. 

That’s important. We’ll never win everyone. But we need to do our best in what we do best, so that God can do the rest. We need to enjoy what we do because God didn’t make us to suffer in our offerings. An offering that’s not filled with joy is a service submitted by an unhappy soul, and I doubt that God wants us to live that way. The importance in living a grateful heart is to give your best in what you do best, what you love best, and in what you enjoy the most. Even when it’s difficult to pull through and obstacles come your way, you know you’re on the right path because ultimately, you enjoy what you’re doing. 

I’m not enjoying what I’m doing. Not entirely. But I am. I’ll do exactly what I want to do, and what I know God wants me to do. You may have other opinions and preference, but I know what is it that God has called me to do. So I’mma do it right this time. 

All right, God, let’s go. 

This line just kept going through my thoughts. 

I could cry you a river, but who would cry me a river?
I could hold a million weights, but who would relief my pain?
I could please you with what you want, but who would recognize me?

No, I can’t do it. Because it’s an irony.

I may be branded technical, but I know I am not.
I may sound different and that is because I am different.
I’m not going to categorize myself the way you do to me.
I know that I am true, and I know I need to stay true.

God, just help me ‘cause it hurts to know these.
Just know I’m out to please You, and not you.  

I keyed those words in google and searched. Results were:

1. In the pursuit of happiness (the movie; by the way, it’s supposed to be “happyness”)
2. In the pursuit of happiness lyrics (the song from the movie, I guess)
3. In the pursuit of (I guess people just realize they don’t know what they are pursuing; or they wanted to type “happyness”, but seemed silly if they got the spelling wrong, which in fact is the actual spelling for the movie title.)
4. In the pursuit of jappiness (I’m guessing people typed too fast)
5. In the pursuit of God

Got me thinking. There are actually people out their in pursuit of God. Or the right God.

Sometimes God is just right in front of you, and we’re trying too hard to pursuit God to a point we don’t realize He is just before us.  

Well, going back to the topic… I can’t really put a word to what I am pursuing. But if I have to try real hard to come out with something- I guess it is to pursue His favor.

Random rambling. 

There are times in your life where you’ve tried your best and you still get stoned. The point of life where we’re pushed down, surrounded by people, friends and foes, and thrown at. It hurts. Badly. Your first instinct might be to sit and cry, surrounded by the stones thrown at you, thinking your life is meaningless. You’re innocent yet you get stoned. You tried your best, not only did you not get reward, you get stoned. You dwell in this state of depression, and just sat there for a long, long time. You might have failed to recognize some of your mistakes, and just dwell like a “framed victim”.  

Another bunch of you might instead pick up those stones and throw it back at whoever stoned you. You are too quick to defend yourself, and trying very hard to rebutt no matter you’re wrong or right. Some mistakes you made are deserving, but you choose to be blinded and not recognize them, and instead try to make your own way out. You struggle and throw and fight, but you end up weary. You realize you get tired. And you’re stuck.

What we should do- pick up every stone hurdled at us. Recognize every mistake we make and take in whatever blame we do not deserve. Take those stones and form your steps up. The more stones appear, the higher the steps you form, the higher you climb. These experiences may seemed bad, but they are our stepping stones. Higher and higher we should climb, until the hurdling stones no longer reach us.

It’s time to stand up and move on with our stepping stones. 

We are so weak.

When we receive criticism, we are quick to defend, we get pulled down and we go into depression mode. When we work so hard and receive no compliment, we get angry and think that all our hard works are useless. We give in and up easily.

When receiving criticism, we should realize our weaknesses, work on it, and push to improve no matter how long it takes. When we work so hard and receive no compliment, we should push even harder without complains. No matter how long it takes, no matter how much it takes: Push on hard.

That’s the only way our dreams are gonna ever come true. We are so well fed and protected that we cry and complain at a little fall. Time to pick up ourselves and push on with the end as our focus.

Time to go.